Prologue:
The afternoon had aged but the evening was a Virgin. I was having difficulty putting my pants on as my shins were still numb. 30 minutes before I had limped to the 6th floor ice machine of my hotel to fill the ice bag to the brim, wondering if it would make like a condom, and tear.
Often after long nights of belligerentness I get shin splints from Hell: miniature Oompa-Loompas beating my tibial tuberosity’s with the fervor of Georgie attacking black QB’s comes to mind….
Thomas, Brett, George and I had consumed what felt like a lifetime supply of Corona Premiers. Yea, we didn’t know they were a thing either.
Voluminous shots of Jameson and Fireball had been taken the night before and I had met my “future wife”, at least 3 and a-half times. I swear the last one was for real. Unfortunately, she never came back after her “bathroom break”. Fuck it, her loss.
About an hour prior to licking my wounds, I had awoken to the feeling that Harambe was sitting on my skull. My phone showed a photo of George w/ Brett and Thomas’s kids eating ice cream, “how the fuck is he eating ice cream right now.”
Meanwhile, I was regurgitating 8 hour-old stomach acid a’la Nashville street hotdog with extra mustard. Brett and Thomas peer-pressured me into it.
Week 8 in The Anal Wink
As you all can see, I take my draft preparation seriously. I’ll spare you comments from the actual draft night as they have been beatin’ to death in WhatsApp.
Words do no justice in describing how good of a time I had despite the week-long hangover that followed. Thank you all who attended, I know finances, offspring, and work schedules make it difficult. I look forward to the day we all attend the draft in person so I can drug you mother-fuckers with sedatives and pull a Boudreau and keep Gurley for 50cents.
I thank, Thomas, for the hospitality in the great city of Nashville and for inspiring me to write the prologue. For those that don’t know he is actually into creative writing: a much more scholarly hobby in comparison to my degenerate gambling.
Okay, enough of the bullshit. Its time for The Bass Wrath.
Despite my perennial consistency at underachieving on a yearly basis, I promise, I am for real this time cuz I got dem Texas boyz with me.
[Insert photo of Patrick Mahomes’ penis]
#12. A Gordon Has No Face
Samir, dude, fuck, shit, cock, balls… Man, if you weren’t bedding The Shiva right now I would feel sorry for you. 34% of your draft capital spent on your RB1, a diva that hasn’t even showed up to work this season, couple, that with a bipolar RB2, Drake, and you have the recipe for a steaming pile of shit. I can understand those draft picks but, Funchess as a WR1 ?? and $15 for Alfred Morris?!?!? As a point of reference, Bates got Tyreek Hill for $15. Ouch.
#11. Darren Sharper
Another, former champion leaving much to be desired. Your team reminds me of you, past its prime. “Gronk” and “Saint Antonio” just don’t put up the ridiculous numbers they once did, nor will they again. Buy the ticket, take the ride: you rolled the dice on two huge question marks 1) drafting McCoy after Bills lost 3 solid offensive lineman and a competent QB in the offseason and 2) a Dalvin Cook whose NFL sample size was 4 games. Though I do commend you on the Goff pick up, the kid is the real deal and when all is said and done I see him having multiple rings. You may salvage your season if you trade away the big names.
#10. Kirkin’ Butker
Dave dude, did you really want to use a keeper spot on a kicker? Can I have some of the weed your smoking? I could use a pick me up. I actually really like your team. You got Mixon and Evans at a discount, both easily top 10 at their respective positions. Cousins is perennially underrated but a bit risky considering all the offensive line issues in the preseason + coming into a new offensive scheme. If Coleman can capitalize on being the starting RB in Atlanta you can make a run. Although the more likely result is this ends up being a season wondering what could have been if Ajayi had not torn his vagina.
#9. 1 800- Cialis
Sorry, Scotty, so close but yet so far away. Saquon is a beast but can’t do it alone. Deamyius and Alshon is just asking the Fantasy Gods for a soft tissue injury. Godwin is the real deal and love all the redzone looks but too many mouths to feed. The Kupp injury will be like a nagging herpes lesion on the glans of the penis. I hate those… Ridley and Mack are overachieving, their respective peaks for this year have already came and gone.
#8. Ur not drinkn nuf @ the draft
Right on the cusp. I love Njoku, freak athlete, getting more involved but, needs to eliminate the drops. I wanted Davante so bad this year, fuck you. I keep fading Thielen and Im starting to think I am wrong but damn, can a white receiver really average over 20 points a week!? Get the fuck outta here, im shorting his stock. Dude has to regress. DJ is a victim of circumstances; crowd the box, Fitz is old and dropping passes at a record rate, Kirk is dropping passes, and a rookie QB, defenses have no reason to stay honest. If only the Packers took advantage of Aaron Jones, you could potentially have 2 top 10 RB and 2 top 10 WR with a top 5 QB.
#7. Mock Thorntons
Your team reminds me of mine last year: great depth at WR but skinny at RB. Breida and Thompson gonna be battling their injuries all season long. Clement is proving he is nothing more than a change of pace back. How the fuck did you get Golladay?! I thought George had him.
#6. More eunuch; than varys
Regression regression regression. Ingram is back, good bye weekly 40 point Kamara games. Frank Gore is putting up the best #’s he has had in like 4 years. Love the balls on starting both Rams WR. I wanna say Woods has to regress but as long as Kupp is hurt, those points go to Cooks. Losing Fournette took you out of title contention. As did the Hyde trade. Though Lindsay and rolling the dice on crack head Gordon could be your golden ticket. Only thing is flash Gordon definitely looked hampered on his long catch this past weekend. Think you may have been one year too early on him.
#5. Don Kerryon
Hey, do yall remember when I drafted Patrick Mahomes for $2? 2 FUCKING DOLLARS. What makes it sweeter is two diehard Chiefs fans just sat there watching my belligerent ass spill a beer on my computer as I jumped up to celebrate. I was ready to spend the house on him. As a point of reference, George paid $2 for his kicker and Boudreau paid $3 for his. My best team prolly in about 5 years but still many questions to be answered. Can Keenan play to his potential w/ the immergence of Mike Williams. Can OBJ ever be consistent? Will the Lions ever realize they have the next Le’Veon Bell in Kerryon and allow him to be a workhorse? Is Alex Collins going to keep fumbling? Can Mahomes sustain his MVP worthy season. My ceiling is high but my floor is low. We shall see.
#4. Anal Wink Trauma Ward
Per usual, after leaving the draft, the guy that has his own butt paste left me wondering how the fuck he does it time and time again. Unfortunately, marred by injuries he will be another left wondering what could have been. Imagine if Sony had not gotten hurt and Baldwin and Olsen were their usual selfs? He’d be dropping 160 on the weekly. While I am convinced I swindled him in our trade, muahahahahaha. I am still convinced the best of Jordan Howard has yet to come.
#3. George Springer
While it pains me to rank you this high especially considering both Bouds and myself have outscored you it is simply because of your elite backfield. The best stable of RB’s I have possibly ever seen. I went back to playoffs the past 4 years and champions had a recurring theme of 3 very solid RB’s. You have 3 top 10 studs, and if Cook stays out, Latavius will possibly be top 15. Your WR’s leave much to be desired as I think the odds are against Boyd and Brown sustaining this pace especially with the latters predilection for vaginitis. Can’t wait for Kittle to get hurt you fucking weasel.
#2. Maester Bates
I have to commend you, I was in agreement the rest of the league in wondering why you had paid such a high price for Tyreek and Alex Collins. The former has left you looking like a brilliant mind and the latter was a mistake only remedied by trade raping me for the always steady, Rivers. Furthermore, you may have even got a better value pick then I did for Mahomes by drafting James White for $4. Why couldn’t the son of a bitch put these #’s up last year when I had him? It looks even juicier now with the Michel injury and Pats offense starting to find their stride.
#1. I won the Popular vote
The commish. My oh my, what a pretty team. Hands down the best waiver value pick of the year in James Connor before a game was even played. And just as we thought your luck would run out with the imminent return of Bell, you find another 4 leaf clover up your ass with Chubb now getting the starting job. Though your team is solid through and through, I see many in this league that could beat you on any given Sunday. I think an even better asset to your team than Connor may have been drafting the Rams D. King of the Regular Season Commish, I see you faultering once again and underachieving when the lights are brightest.